First of all; me - a coffee lover. Long long ago, I went in search of that perfect cup of coffee which would envelop my senses with its rich aroma, feel like heaven when my tongue felt it and trickled down with a pleasing sensation… Sigh.
In my many coffee crusades, I had to face a lot of hardships, i.e. taste copious amounts of coffee that made one blanch, ones you gazed fearfully at, good-looking but misleading coffee (Rather similar to people, I see) and others. I have braved them all, and am here to list the types of coffee to be avoided, so that no one else will have the lingering taste of sickening coffee in their mouths ever again.
- Milky coffee- Ugh! It feels like you are fooling a kid into drinking milk by flavouring it with coffee. Double ugh. Places in danger of coming in contact with type 1 bad coffee-Homes with kids, our college canteen. (Actually, that is not too much of a danger, as you might mistake it for tea and happily consume it. How can that be? Visit our canteen to know how unity can be created- coffee and tea are brothers after all, and must cast away their differences.)
- Coffee with jaggery- Found to exist in the deep recesses of South India. Beware. Looks exactly like non-toxic coffee.
- Coffee candy- Yes, it tastes like candy but it’s not. No, it’s not coffee flavoured sugar crystals either. You see, people forget that the main ingredient in a cup of coffee is coffee, not sugar. It’s sad, but one of the harsh realities of life.
(Warning- it is a thousand times worse when you are in a relative’s house and stared in the face by a tankard full of what-must-not-be-named. Sob! I speak from experience.) - Watery coffee- We know milk is expensive. A pox and a curse on inflation! We assure you we would not mind having half a cup of coffee with no water. Promise. Take a survey of your guests if you belong to the doubtful.
- Trust your instincts. If the mere sight of that cup makes you think there's something wrong, you are probably right. DON’T even take a sip. Just turn your back to it and run as fast as your legs can take you.
- If the coffee looks like mud, 9 out of 10 times, it tastes so too.
- ALWAYS make a note of the places where you have been served bad coffee. Very politely, ask for a glass of water the next time. Start a group of harassed people if possible. Have meetings, make posters, and even stop the local shops from selling coffee to the people on your list.
- If unsure about the category the coffee at hand belongs to, and are too cowardly to take a risk, put on your best, ‘I’m a kid. I drink Bournvita and eat Chyavanaprash’ look and ask for milk. Never mind the stares. You know it’s for the greater good. If you are too old for the earlier tactic, say, ‘It’s bad for my heart. Only milk.’ Or if you are a woman and really desperate to avoid it, ‘Oh, I’m pregnant. No coffee, please.’
